Message by Ronnie McBrayer
Just Another Dysfunctional Family Christmas
Matthew 1:18-25
In his book Surprised By Hope, N.T. Wright uses an example of how our work and lives fit into the big picture of what God is doing in the world: It is that of a stonemason working on part of a great cathedral. In the Middle Ages when these architectural wonders were built, the construction process lasted for decades upon decades. Notre Dame inParis, for example, from its commissioning until its completion was a span of 182 years. Somewhere an architect drew up the plans, plans he would never see completed, and passed on his instructions to the team of masons as to which stones need carving in what way.
One shapes stones for a particular tower; another carves delicate patterns; another works on gargoyles; another is making statues of saints, martyrs, kings, or queens. And all the while other entire departments are busy with their work as well. When they’re finished with their stones and their statues, they hand them over without knowing very much about the final product. They may not have even seen the architect’s drawing, and most would not live to see the completed building with their work at last where it belongs. But they trust the architect that the work they have done in following his instructions will not be wasted. Wright says the work we do in the present, then, gains its full significance somewhere in the future. We must work in the present for what will be eventually, when God is “all in all, when his kingdom has come, and his will is done on earth as in heaven.”
Nowhere is this example more pertinent than when it comes to our families, your Advent theme for this first Sunday of the season. We do the work that is put before us carving the stones that are our children or grandchildren ”“ they are blockheads it seems. Chipping away at that strained relationship with our own parents; or we keep sanding and cutting, trying to make the pieces of our marriage fit together. We don”™t know what it”™s all going to look like in the end; but we do what we can do, and leave the big picture to God.
Such is the model we follow today, the great unsung hero of the Christmas story: Joseph, husband to Mary and the earthly father of Jesus. Joseph was a good and faithful man, and he died in the dark. He passed from the scene many years before the cathedral he was working on was completed. See, when Jesus began his ministry, Jesus was thirty years old ”“ three decades beyond the events we will read about today. That”™s a long time to wait on God”™s will to come to fruition. And Joseph did not live to see it.
Throughout the gospel accounts we look for Joseph. Beyond the Advent story we find him briefly when Jesus is twelve, then he disappears, apparently dead before Jesus preaches his first sermon, before Jesus heals his first sick person, before Jesus ever breathes a word about the comingkingdomofGod. I have in my mind this image of Joseph, older with graying hair and beard, wearing his tool apron, planing timbers in the carpentry shop, wood shaving covering his sweaty arms. Working beside him is Jesus. Twenty, twenty-five years old, looking like anything but Immanuel, the son of God. The boy hasn”™t married; he hasn”™t left home; he shows no interest in politics or world affairs; he refused to go to seminary or open his own shop, or go to college. He”™s just a simple carpenter, a handyman. And Joseph had to look at him with wondering eyes and wandering thoughts: “Who is this boy, this man that I have raised? I thought this would be the One who would change the world. I thought I heard the angel say this was the Messiah. Surely after all these years I haven”™t been a fool.” And Joseph dies not knowing the final outcome of his decision, his work, or his family.
I. OUR TEXT TODAY IS MATTHEW 1:18-25
“This is how Jesus the Messiah was born. His mother, Mary, was engaged to be married to Joseph. But before the marriage took place, while she was still a virgin, she became pregnant through the power of the Holy Spirit. Joseph, her fiancé, was a good man and did not want to disgrace her publicly, so he decided to break the engagement quietly. As he considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream. “Joseph, son of David,” the angel said, “Do not be afraid to take Mary as your wife. For the child within her was conceived by the Holy Spirit. And she will have a son, and you are to name him Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins.” All of this occurred to fulfill the Lord”™s message through his prophet: “Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ”˜God is with us.”™” When Joseph woke up, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded and took Mary as his wife. But he did not have sexual relations with her until her son was born. And Joseph named him Jesus.”
Joseph”™s role in the Christmas story was unique, and maybe no one had to react to God”™s invitation to believe and trust, any more than this overlooked champion of Advent. While Matthew gives no attention to worshipping shepherds, singing angels, and swaddling clothes, he connects the reader to Joseph”™s struggle leading up to Jesus”™ birth in a subtle but real way. Justifiably, the Christmas story centers on the baby in the manger, but for Joseph, the real drama of Advent occurred in the days leading up to the first Christmas morning.
Jewish marriages of the period were fulfilled in three distinct stages: Engagement, betrothal, and the actual marriage. The engagement could be an extended period lasting for years, even more than a decade. Marriages were often pre-arranged by the parents, so engagements could begin while the prospective couple was still children. Engagements were not binding, but were the first step toward a legal “contract” of sorts between the prospective husband and wife. This engagement period was followed by an official and legally binding betrothal period. The betrothal corresponds somewhat with the engagement period of Western tradition, but with more definite characteristics. For example, the betrothal lasted for a year, and while the couple did not yet live together, the two were considered bound together in marriage. Following the engagement and betrothal, having spanned many years, the actual marriage ceremony took place. Only after this ceremony did the couple consummate their relationship and begin living together. Similar customs, while unfamiliar to those living inNorth America, are still followed in tribal and Eastern traditions today.
Joseph and Mary were in the betrothal stage ”“ that one year before the actual wedding ”“ when Mary came to Joseph with disturbing news. She was pregnant. I love the KJV here: “She was found to be with child,” a scandalous understatement if there ever was one. And of course it was an unexpected discovery; for Mary because she had not been in a relationship with any man, and for Joseph because he had to operate under the assumption that Mary had broken their betrothal in an act of unfaithfulness. So Joseph, working with the only viable conclusion he had ”“ that Mary had committed adultery ”“ began making plans to “break the engagement quietly” (verse 19). Again, the betrothal stage of the relationship was a legal arrangement. Joseph was in fact going to divorce Mary. But being a “good man,” he did not want to humiliate Mary further. Joseph wanted to do more than what was legally allowable. He wanted to do what was actually just and right for both he and Mary.
As such, and out of his just compassion, Joseph did not want to subject Mary to a public trial or put her at risk of suffering the law”™s severe penalty for adultery, which could have meant death. Women in Iran, Somalia, Afghanistan and the Sudan have been stoned to death for adultery as late as this year for the kind of infidelity Joseph thought Mary guilty of. But instead of exacting vengeance on Mary, he chooses to divorce her quietly.
II. NOW PUT YOURSELF IN JOSEPH”™S SHOES
For years of his life he has been anticipating his marriage to the young and beautiful Mary. It”™s a small town; everyone knows this. And now this shame, this disgrace. She has been unfaithful, and not just unfaithful ”“ now she is pregnant. Joseph”™s life, his plans, his future must have come tumbling down. What direction does he take now? How does he act and react to this?
ILLUS: A lone survivor of a shipwreck washed up on the shore of a small, deserted island. Though thankful to be alive, he realized how dire his situation was and began praying for God to have mercy and send someone to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none came. Exhausted, he eventually began to make a life on the island. He built a little hut out of driftwood and palm branches to protect himself from the elements and to store his few meager possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut had somehow caught fire. It was in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. As if shipwreck and loneliness were not enough, now his only home and few belongings were gone. He was stunned with anger, hurt, and doubt. “God, how could you do this to me?” he cried out toward heaven. Early the next day, however, the man was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. Tears of joy streamed down the man”™s face. “How did you know I was here?” he asked his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal asking for help,” they replied.
Just as Joseph”™s life burns to the ground, and he is racked by doubt and angst, these become a signal for God to somehow, someway, come to him in a way he never thought possible. Joseph is visited by an angel announcing the identity of the child carried in Mary”™s womb, and explains the otherwise inexplicable pregnancy. The child conceived within her is of the Holy Spirit, fulfilling the prophecy of Isaiah 7 that the virgin will bear a child and they shall call his name “Immanuel” ”“ which means God with us. This child would be the uniquely-born Son of God, the Anointed One, sent to bring thekingdomofGodto bear in the world. Joseph”™s role would be to shepherd this boy, to father him, though the blood in the child”™s veins was not his. Joseph is the patron saint of adoptive parents everywhere. He was invited to take this responsibility as if it was his own, and he rose to the occasion.
Joseph quickly and willingly obeyed God”™s instructions sent by the angel. Matthew 1:18-25 is full of verbs ”“ action words. Joseph “woke” up. Joseph “did” as the angel commanded him. Joseph “took” Mary as his wife. Joseph “named” the boy Jesus. Doubts or no doubts, Joseph was doing what he felt he should be doing, and he was living the life God invited him to live. He got right to it, once he knew what he should do. Now, I know the objection: “Well, if I had angel show up in my living room and deliver me a telegram from God, I would know what to do. Joseph had it easy. God told him clearly what to do. Anybody could do that.”
Easy? You think it was easy to do what Joseph did? It required a great deal of faith or stupidity to trust God”™s message that the child in Mary”™s womb was of the Holy Spirit and not the result of Mary”™s adultery. “Oh Joseph, I”™ve been faithful to you ”“ but this is God”™s child.” Right. And how many times did Joseph doubt what he had heard and experienced, wondering if the whole angelic appearance was just a figment of his imagination? How many times did he curse the decision he had made and the shame that was attached to it? How many sleepless nights did he endure rolling over in his head the stigma and scandal of Mary”™s perceived transgression? How many times did he look into the dark brown eyes of that child named Jesus and wonder if it was all really true? How many times did he turn to see the people of his hometown gossiping about him, his wife, and their bastard child? Even years later, when Jesus returned to his hometown as an adult to preach and heal, he was greeted with the backhanded slur, “this is the carpenter”™s son,” and the people were offended by him. The offense came because the people never believed Joseph and Mary”™s story about virgin births and angelic visits.
III. JUST BECAUSE JOSEPH DECISIVELY OBEYED, DID NOT MEAN IT WAS EASY
He could have taken an easier path. Joseph could have legally and rightfully divorced Mary, and God would have gotten along just fine without his compliance. But Joseph took on this life ”“ this family ”“ willingly. It was not easy, but it was the path for him. We all have a path laid out before us, and it is hardly ever easy ”“ especially when it comes to family.
Now, preachers love to pontificate about the importance of families and how family ought to be. We use words like the “biblical” family. But I don”™t think this term means exactly what some think it does.
Sure, I know what they intend by the use of the word. By applying biblical principles Christians could, and the implication is should, produce the ideal “biblical” family: A strong, spiritual father; a faithful, loving mother; and two and a half obedient, always compliant children. That”™s a fantasy. I don”™t want a biblical family. My family may be a bit screwy, but I wouldn”™t trade it for Adam and Eve”™s where one brother killed the other. I wouldn”™t switch places with Hosea whose wife was the village prostitute. Why swap my one set of in-laws for Solomon”™s 700?
You can”™t find a family in the Bible, not in Jesus”™ family whose mother and siblings once tried to commit him to a mental health facility against his will, that is not dysfunctional. Every family is screwed up in one way or another. Every family is dysfunctional, it is simply a matter of degree. Most of us do not lead Ken and Barbie lives; we don”™t live with Ward and June Cleaver. We look and feel a lot more at home living with Homer and Marge Simpson. We preachers, and the church, must stop holding up false standards, piling on with guilt and shame, and pouring salt into the wounds of people”™s relationship failures. Biblical families, with all their murder, adultery, polygamy, sexism, violence, and envy are for less operational than most of our families, and I think that”™s the point. If God can use them; if God can build his glorious cathedral with them, if God”™s goodness isn”™t thwarted by them, then he ought to be able to use, bless, and preserve our families as well.
ILLUS: I got very upset before Cindy and I were married, when a person came and spoke to me about my family. I had gone through a tough spot and a bad divorce, and I had Blayze and Bryce on my own. They were just tiny. This person came up to me and, while I know they meant well, came across very condescending. They said, “Oh. I am so sorry your children are going to grow up in a broken home.” I was enraged. My home may have gotten dropped on its side here and there; it might be scratched and dented; there was adjustment, jerks and stops, but by God it was never broken. I could do what I could do, and that was enough. God never calls anyone to do more than he or she can do ”“ especially when it comes to family.
That”™s the point: Just do what you can with what you have. If this is your third marriage, well make this third one the charm. If one kid won”™t talk to you, talk to the ones who will. If your in-laws hate you, treat them with respect and get through the holidays every year and be glad you did. You may look at your finances, your marital status, your family”™s history and then feel this overwhelming sense of loss: “There”™s no way I can raise or take care of my family the way they should be taken care of”¦I have so little to offer”¦there”™s so little I can do in the face of such extraordinary challenges”¦I”™ll never get these relationships prepared.” On and on it goes: Don”™t you give in to that for a second longer.
Yes, you screwed up. So what ”“ everybody does. Family life hasn”™t gone the way you planned it ”“ get on the bus with everybody else. But if Advent is about anything at all, it is about God”™s grace being born into the world ”“ exploding into the lives we live like and unexpected eruption ”“ giving us what we need to get on with it, whatever it may be. So quit analyzing, regretting, reliving, and wishing things were different; they”™re not. There”™s the way we wish things were, the way things ought to be and should be; and then there”™s the way things really are. Grace comes to us there, the grace to just get on with it ”“ and do what we can do with what we have been given
CONCLUSION: I”™ll conclude with one of my favorite subjects, when it comes to family, my grandmother. On New Year”™s Day, she will have been gone from us a decade. She was the greatest single influence on the first 30-years of my life. But backing up a few years, a college history professor assigned my freshmen class the task of interviewing someone who had lived through the Depression and World War Two. Grandmother, as everyone called her, was the obvious choice. Her mother had died when she was barely weaned. As a child and teen she heard the stories of the Great War and a few of the farm boys she knew even went away to Europe to fight the Germans. She married my farmer grandfather at the height of this country”™s economic collapse, but she had no historical appreciation for the Depression. In her words, “Somebody said they was one, a depression, I mean. But I don”™t know about that. All I know is that it was bad before the thirties and bad after that too.”
She gave birth to eight children, and only one, my mother, was born in a hospital. She had 19 grandchildren, of which I was the favorite. Electricity and indoor plumbing were luxuries that didn”™t arrive to her sharecropping home until this country and one of her sons was involved in a small Asian country called Vietnam. And through it all she was married to a man who could only be described as wretched. Floyd Bearden was plagued by the demons of depression, addiction, and alcoholism. He was given to violence and abuse. She was victimized by him and his wayward ways for decades. But for a southern woman living in the middle of the twentieth century with seven children on a cotton farm, escaping such a marriage was impossible. It was a prison. While she refused to speak ill of my grandfather, she often admitted it was after his death that she experienced the most peaceful days of her adult life.
In that college interview on an October afternoon I grasped fully, how heroic this woman was. Sure, I had eaten at her table more than my own. I had spent every summer in her house. I had listened to her stories and her songs. I loved and admired her more than any other person on the planet. But now I saw her as much more than a blood relative, a doting old woman with an eighth grade education. She was a hero. She had survived the death of her mother, Reconstruction, two World Wars, the Depression, poverty, the burying of a child, years of living in poverty, domestic violence and exploitation, and God knows what else. So at the end of my interview I finally asked, “How did you do it? Raise these kids by yourself with no money, no help, and the world against you?” She stared out the window of her living room for a long time, like she was consulting with that massive oak tree in the front yard; the only thing on the property older than her. Finally, she chuckled and she said, “I just did what I could. God Almighty took care of the rest.”
Her son, my uncle got it right at her funeral. Standing behind her casket, he said, “She has two sons, a son-in-law, and four grandsons who are preachers. But the best preacher in this family is laying right here in this box.” I just did what I could. God Almighty takes care of the rest. If that”™s not true with our families, it”™s not true about anything.
PRAYER: Lord, show us all your will for our lives. And give us the courage and resolve to follow you in all things. When this makes us afraid, encourage us. When it makes us frustrated, give us your peace. And when we feel overwhelmed by doubts, grant us your resolve. May we not grow weary in doing what we know is right and just as we trust and hope in you, for ourselves and for our families; in Jesus”™ name, Amen.